Monday, January 23, 2012

Elizabeth Wurtzel

Hillary Clinton Quits White House Race, Endorses Prozac
by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace (Monday morning)
— Ending weeks of speculation, Sen. Hillary Clinton today pulled out of the race for the Democrat presidential nomination, and announced she would endorse Prozac, a prescription drug used to combat depression and obsessive compulsive disorder among other conditions. The New York senator, who launched her White House bid claiming that she didn’t want to start a campaign “but a conversation” that she was “in to win”, this morning said abruptly: “This conversation is over. I win.” The former presumptive front runner then promptly inked a $7.9 million deal with Eli Lilly to become the national poster-woman for its flagship antidepressant drug. A spokesman for the pharmaceutical company said, “If Prozac can keep Hillary Clinton on an even keel after the shattering of her life’s ambition and manifest destiny, think what it can do for those of us who are just feeling a little blue.” Asked if she would eventually endorse presidential rival Sen. Barack Obama, she said, “With my Prozac contract, we’ve established the benchmark price for all future endorsements. That said, I’d be glad to back Barack for the good of the party, and of the nation.”How to play pink moon by Nick Drake

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